Ash Wednesday. I like Ash Wednesday. I like the idea of entering into a time of preparation, of reflection, of drawing close to God. I went to church early tonight so I could enjoy a little bit of peace in the sanctuary before everyone arrived. Time to just be still and slow down in the midst of the busyness of life.
I’m finding myself particularly reflective this year because I am nearing the one year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. I didn’t really think it would bother me since my recovery has gone well and I haven’t really thought about it much since I recovered from surgery. But lately I’ve been finding myself feeling anxious, thinking back to what I was doing a year ago. Last year Ash Wednesday was on March 1st. My doctors appointment for my annual mammogram was on March 3rd. Followed by lots of appointments over the next month, and surgery on April 7th. It was a scary time for me, although everything worked out well in the end and I’ve had no problems since. But I feel teary just thinking about how fearful I was.
I was sort of hoping cancer would be a new start for me. That it would scare me into doing things differently, taking better care of myself, spending more time nurturing my relationship with God. But here I am a year later and not much as changed, other than my chest got a lot flatter! I feel tired, worn down, sick (sinus infection, I think), and ready for lent to begin. Ready for the structure it provides to encourage my soul, to welcome my soul, to allow my soul to reflect and start anew.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence, or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:10-12.
Show Me the Way 